Diary #1: What am I Doing?

I have a difficult time with commitments. Meaning I will start something and either change my mind or just not follow through with completion. Most of this I blame on my ADHD. Because difficulty with following through (aka commitment) is a very big symptom of ADHD. (Although my Dad would argue that “I can’t use ADHD as an excuse.” Which is true. However, my ADHD is not really an excuse as much as it is the actual problem. And identifying the problem is the first step to finding a solution, right??) Anyway…

There are some things that I am committed to. For example, I have loved photography for over six years now. Although, even this is a very complicated love story (a story which will be saved for another post) and even my camera has been a victim to my cold shoulder more times than I’d like to note. Aside from the photography, the laundry list of things I told myself I would try but haven’t tried is only growing longer. Blogging has been on it for more time than anything else. I like to write, I like to take photos, I like to make cool edits, and I like to share my work. So a blog seemed like an amazing platform for me. While at the same time providing me with the liberty to connect with people who do similar things.

However, lets be honest. I have no idea what I am doing. So even with all of these benefits at my finger tips I am still riddled with fear. I’m sure many many bloggers  have had the same fears: “What will my peers think of my blogging? What if everyone can tell I don’t know what I am doing? What if I’m not successful? If I’m not, will I quit?” Even though I know I am not alone with these thoughts they are the ones keeping me from diving in. My fear of failure is standing in my way. It is sending me back-and-forth wondering if this is something I should really dive into (and if I do, will I eventually lose my momentum like my middle school Tumblr page?!) or is it something I should continue to set aside so I can get rid of some anxiety and focus on school? It doesn’t take long before realize that sounds pathetic and begin to reprimand myself for

1. Over analyzing all of this when I have more important things to do (proof that I am a true Virgo!)

and…

2. Even considering quitting this early in the game

Ok, so I guess this means I’m sticking with it…Even though I still don’t know what I’m doing and the fear of failure is still not far from my brain. Which then that brings about the question of: What the fuck is failure in the first place? Can I even fail at this? Which is a good idea for another day’s post. But for now lets go with: Failure is a figment of my imagination. It does not exist, which means I can’t be a failed blogger…Even if nobody reads this…Ever.

For now I guess I will just keep doing what I want to do. And for the most part, the ADHD flakiness does not kick in until the task becomes something that I don’t want to do. This is a challenge and a challenge I would really like so succeed in, so let’s give it a good six months and reevaluate then.

 

A note: I like to have an overall, theme or idea in my all of my posts. To–you know–keep them relatable and avoid posting irrelevant rants about my life. Unfortunately, (or maybe not so unfortunately?) I don’t think this one does. Which leads me to believe that not all my future posts will either! With that in mind, I have decided to start a diary series! These posts are going to diverge from my topics of advertising, DIY and design. They are going be very ‘human’, sharing my personal struggles, thoughts and feelings. I think it is important for readers to know who is sitting on the other end of the blog. However, being the pretty quiet, private person that I am feel slightly odd to be publicly sharing what is going on in my head with the internet. SO! Just keep in mind, I am stepping out of my comfort zone. Which means kind, encouraging comments are the only ones that will be appreciated!! (Kind of obvious, right?)  Other than that, enjoy! And as always, I would love love love to hear from any readers who may have tumbled upon this blog and give me a reassuring sense that maybe, possibly I have a slight clue of what I am doing!

With love,

Allie Marie

 

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